Two Birds Church -Songs of Ceremony - We Will Bloom

This song means a lot to me. So I had started cultivating a very strong desire to die early on in life. Around nine or ten i started a rich fantasy life of how I could accomplish this. It became my happy place. The house i grew up in was one of fighting and rage, my parents would use their words to rip each other's hearts out… or mine. It was also a house of depression. My mom introduced me to hopelessness, powerlessness and despair (along with a bunch of other things). Once as a small child she came into my room at night when i was suppose to be sleeping after they had a huge blow out fight, screaming at the top of their lungs, breaking stuff and she marched up to my bedroom and she sat at the bottom of my bed and told me how “Everyone would be Happier if She wasn't around and nobody loves her and she's leaving.” I was super stressed out as she started dumping her hopelessness on me and was out of my mind trying to help her and get her to believe i loved her and i wanted her to stay and not divorce my dad and leave me, but she wouldn't believe me and she just kept saying hopeless shit while i cried and we sat in the dark. I stared into the void she offered me and I opened my heart to it. So I had internalized everything she said as being my truth, and that everyone would be happier without me. That if i wasn't born then they wouldn't be in so much pain and fighting all the time and always “getting a divorce”. The house was so toxic and fucked up. I cultivated a lot of mental illness, a lot of toxic beliefs, psychotic Self hatred etc.. I didn't believe God wanted me or loved me. That was a major issue for me. My mom would try to rebuke demons out of me. And she punished me all the time because that's what God wants it says it in the Bible. I need to be punished. i didn't get the gift of speaking in tongue's when i asked for it as a kid so i felt rejected by God. I wasn't a chosen one. So naturally I became an addict at 16. Meth saved my life. It gave me a reason to keep living. i made it to 21 and i was descending hard and fast into oblivion i was in really bad condition. i was laying in my bed in the middle of the night in terror, bc i saw a black void of a being standing at the bottom of my bed and the darkness was all consuming and i felt like death was with me and then a portal opened above me and there was light and love radiating and i had never felt anything like that before i was stunned and in awe and i believed it was God bc it was out of this world beautiful and i heard really peacefully and kind in my heart that “I can pursue It or pursue death” and i said I choose You. I wrote this song that night and i sang it for hours. “Majestic Father this is your daughter, please save me from this slaughter, I've been drowning in these dirty waters for so long, holiest of holies Lord king of all time True Beauty dwells with you and through me let it shine.” I finally felt that God wanted me and Loved me bc of that experience. It changed the course of my life. I proceeded to get off drugs and become extremely devoted to my relationship with God and healing my spiritual and psychological state. Because of my upbringing I had assumed God was Christian, so i explored my personal relationship through that belief for 13 years. Its been an EXTREMELY LONG journey. My relationship with God eventually lead me OUT of that Religion. It was one of my favorite Liberations!! My God IS WAY better then the Christian God…just sayin. I couldn't reconcile the Bible to Love, Goodness, kindness, mercy, compassion, peace, wisdom, truth, beauty and joy. I couldn't reconcile the love I encountered to what's in the Bible and the Christian religion. My relationship with Higher Self has been a monumentally important part of my healing. I believe connecting with my heart led me out of all my darkness. I'm celebrating the emergence from my darkness like the lotus flower and how far I've come in my healing. Divine Mother has shown up in my dreams to help me process my past. In this song I'm singing about how she dragged me from my nightmare into the light of truth and compassion. The dream was very profound for me as she was helping me realize the hard truth that I had no healthy connections with anyone… my entire life… and I had to move on. I was trying to fight her as she dragged me out of the grave. I didn't want to be in the light and I looked up at her and her eyes were filled with compassion and mercy and wisdom and I surrendered to her…. I couldn't fight that. She was too powerful and beautiful. Divine Mothers, a lovely lady. So I sing this song when I need to get in alignment with my heart, release ego control, connect with higher self, surrender to wisdom and sing to remember my connection to the divine and my gratitude for helping me grow and make a beautiful life out of the darkness I came from. -Christina Titus