Seeking Mentorship: Ego Death, Letting Go, Neglect Wounds
hi friends- Greetings from chicago!
I am thinking of the two birds community and missing you all. I am so grateful for the sunday circle and miss having you all open your hearts and share.
I am recently facing heavy challenges in life and am honestly so tired of being sick and tired.
reflecting back on my ceremony in June 2023, I struggled to let go and it was very hard to fully surrender. Part of me thinks I didn’t fully release because my body was so tired and in fear (which makes sense due to recent trauma at the time). It was so hard to let go and it’s something I have always struggled with. I felt so much suffering that I needed to purge. It was like my root chakra / bottom of my toes that needed to come up and out. Jay and a friend held me and I was throwing up capitalism and greed and the world’s pain that I absorbed on a daily basis. When I couldn’t feel my hands my mind was scared and I would need to move them to feel safe- which happened during a DMT ceremony a year or two later. The aya journey was still incredible. I still gained tons of wisdom. I was also dealing with mild sleep apnea at the time which I have now overcome so Jay do remind me to breathe. If i did ceremony again I’d definitely need close monitoring.
I recently entered a relationship that made me grow a lot in a short period of time - which I’m ultimately grateful for - and due to different needs we split ways. I continue to struggle with letting go and healing neglect wounds. Even if it didn’t I still cling and ruminate and want to make something broken work.
I don’t know if another ceremony is right for me. I don’t know if psychadelics is the way right now. I have done plenty of shrooms in my day. And I don’t know if it’s the best way forward due to schizophrenia in the family and a recent bad trip tho I know how to correct course there. I do feel caught in a vicious cycle in my career and emotional realm. My friends have said they do see growth especially in the last year / 6 months. And perhaps things are just erupting and surfacing right now due to eclipse season and i hope this is the end of a cycle.
I’ve dealt with a toxic workplace I’m still stuck in (I have a case against them and am waiting to get them to can me so I can have leverage). New roles don’t excite me. Entrepreneurship does. I’ve started a clothing brand that is evolving into events and a lifestyle brand and has a strong niche and is building momentum but I can’t jump ship yet. It’s not stable enough. I have a consulting company with one client where I talk about lgbtqia+ belonging in the workplace and my clients love it. But I haven’t landed new clients.
I’m burnt out and spread thin with the current 9-5 but need to eat of course.
seeking wisdom/ mentorship on this
if you feel like you have recovered and found safe attachment-
how have you healed your neglect wounds?
how do you address self-abandonment in life, work, and love?
I have made progress for sure when it comes to boundaries, standards. I still have a long way to go.
I’m still navigating No.
I’m still navigating sense of abandonment in relationships (even if i’m in one). it’s hard
has anyone tried clinical ketamine therapy? part of me things that it wouldn’t take an entire aya ceremony- just a small push to help this all dissipate.
right now i’m struggling with letting go:
letting go of a career path that doesn’t serve me
having faith and finding mentors in entrepreneurship
ruminating thoughts when I am rejected or things don’t work out
letting go of a relationship that didn’t work and want even fulfilling but I wanted it to work so badly
letting go of heaviness in general
the feeling that I’ll never heal/ it’s a vicious cycle i’ll never get out of
i have a therapist now and I am also considering reiki, attachment specialist therapy, and reconnecting with my buddhist practice. I am also trying to fully lock in on entrepreneurship and reconnecting with a sense of purpose driven by values rather than focusing on money. so I am making progress in that direction
any wisdom to share? would love a chat.
if u read up until this point - thank you.
love always,
<3
Clay
Hey Clay! Thanks for opening up and sharing!! Sooo the book a read a couple times and really took to heart that helped me as I was working through abandonment issues (which was one issue in CPTSD for me) was The Journey from Abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson. I can't recommend it enough. It really shined a light on what I was experiencing and how to heal it. I was also in a 12 step group for trauma recovery and doing a 12 step inventory, which I can't recommend enough. Inventory has you go through all your life examine your painful experiences and the beliefs that formed around those events. Your beliefs shape your reality, so if you have shitty beliefs based on painful life experiences then you'll have a shitty reality, shitty relationship with yourself, the world and the people around you.
"No one likes me, loves me, sees me, understands me, cares about me, everyone leaves me, I'm a failure, I'll always be alone, this is the story of my life, I'll never get better, I can't trust anyone, I can't trust myself" the painful belief list can be very long these are a few examples.
Anyways being in a support group and working through an inventory authenticly can be life changing if you work the program and take it seriously.
Another crucial practice for recovery is meditation. There's many valuable practices there, guided meditations are great, visualisation (start working on your imagination and taking note on where your subconscious goes and the stories it's creating) AND affirmation meditatios absorb it like a sponge open your heart and let yourself FEEL the words. really trying to rewire your brain and the stories you tell yourself and becoming self aware of the painful narratives you might indulge in.
It takes a lot of time to create new neuropathways but your brain is a computer that needs to be reprogrammed to create a new reality and liberate yourself from psychological suffering.
Forgiveness for self and others is essential for quality of life. Loving yourself, respecting yourself. Trusting yourself. Feeling safe in your body. Feeling safe in the world. Feeling secure. None of these things are easy it all takes work and practice, patience and compassion.
Anyways just sharing my journey it sounds like your doing great working with a therapist!
Being sick and tired of being sick and tired is a great place to be for transformation!!
Also CONGRATS on your clothing brand!!! 🥳😆🎉
I'm also going through career compatibility issues myself. I don't think my workplace is toxic in the traditional sense. But it is demanding and I've lost my passion for it I think. I feel you on the career thing it's hard.
I feel like one of the things I've learned with the medicine is that the difficult and painful times are necessary to truly appreciate love and beauty. When we're in the middle of the painful or hard times it's hard to remember that I think but sometimes it helps me with my perspective. Keep your head up and remember that you are worthy of love.
Om Shanti my friend.