Coming home to your voice

When was the last time you really heard your own voice? Set aside the one you use in meetings and small talk. I mean the voice that comes out when you’re not trying to be anyone other than exactly who you are.

Most of us have spent years getting good at leaving ourselves. We live in our heads, analyzing and strategizing and protecting. We project, making our feelings someone else’s responsibility. We deny, pretending we don’t feel what we feel, don’t want what we want, don’t know what we know. And maybe most cleverly of all, we live in fantasy: anywhere but here, in the messy, imperfect reality of who we are right now.

That isn’t our fault. Our minds came up with these strategies to protect us, often when we were very young and really did need protection. But somewhere along the way, the things that kept us safe started keeping us small.

Why your voice matters

Your voice is immediate. Your thoughts can spin elaborate stories and your actions can be performed, but your voice tends to give away where you are with yourself and how willing you are to take up space in the world.

Think about it. When you speak in a meeting, do you make yourself smaller so you don’t stand out? When you laugh, do you hold back so you’re not too loud? When you disagree with someone, do you swallow your words to keep the peace?

If you make yourself smaller with your voice, where else do you make yourself smaller? If you’re afraid to be heard in conversation, where else do you stay silent when you have something to say? If you judge your own sound as somehow wrong, where else do you treat yourself as not good enough?

That’s why voice work is such a direct way back. Every time you choose to make sound, even when you’re afraid, even when you’re judging yourself, you’re choosing yourself over hiding.

How we learned to hide

Most of us learned very early that our full expression wasn’t always safe or welcome. Maybe you were told to be quiet when you got excited. Maybe you learned that your needs were too much, your emotions too big. Maybe you were laughed at, criticized or ignored when you tried to share what was real for you.

So you learned to close. You learned to control. You learned to present a version of yourself you thought would be more acceptable, more lovable. But when we shut down our voice to avoid judgment, we also shut down our ability to really connect. When we make ourselves smaller to stay safe, we also make ourselves less alive.

The thing we’ve been avoiding, the risk of being heard and taking up space, is the way back to ourselves. And you can practice it anywhere, anytime, with nothing more than your breath and a willingness to make sound.

Three practices to reconnect with your voice

1. The hum

Find a private space where you can make sound without worrying about being overheard. Sit comfortably and let your lips come together gently. Let a simple “mmm” come out on your exhale. It’s one of the simplest sounds we can make.

Give yourself two or three minutes with this hum. You might hold a single tone, or let it wander into a simple melody. Don’t worry about it being beautiful or correct. Worry about it being yours.

Notice what happens in your body. Does your jaw tighten? Do you find yourself making the sound smaller? Do you feel self-conscious even though you’re alone? These reactions are normal. They tell you how you’ve learned to relate to your own expression.

You don’t have to get rid of them. Stay with yourself while they’re there, and keep sounding anyway.

2. Opening with vowels

Now try open vowel sounds: “ah,” “oh,” “ee,” “oo.” Choose whichever feels most comfortable. These ask you to open your throat and mouth wider, which makes this a small, physical practice in letting yourself be exposed.

Let your vowel flow out on the exhale for three or four minutes. You might explore different pitches, or stay with one tone. You might want to go louder, or to stay soft. Follow your own impulse, not what you think you should do.

As you sound, notice the stories your mind tells you about why you should stop, why you should be quieter, why you should be different than you are. Instead of believing them, stay with the simple act of making sound. Let your voice be what it is without trying to fix it or improve it.

3. Speaking your truth

For this last practice, speak these words aloud: “I am here, I am real, I am enough.” Start by whispering, then use your natural speaking voice, then say them with your full strength.

As you repeat them, notice if you’re tempted to rush through, to say them quietly, or to add qualifications. See if you can let the words stand as they are.

You aren’t trying to convince yourself of anything here. You’re practicing the physical act of saying something true out loud and letting it take up space in the room.

Making it a practice

Coming back to yourself happens moment by moment, choice by choice. Every conversation is a chance to practice. You can show up as yourself, or you can hide behind old patterns.

Start small. On your next phone call, notice if you’re making your voice smaller or bigger than feels natural. In your next meeting, notice whether you’re editing your words before you say them. When you laugh, notice if you’re holding back.

The aim is to be more real, which doesn’t have to mean louder or more dramatic. Your voice, whatever it sounds like, deserves to be heard.

You don’t have to wait until you’re perfect to use it. You can start right now, as you are. Will you show up or will you hide? Will you say what’s true, or what you think others want to hear?

The choice is always yours, and your voice is always there.