I might be jumping the gun a bit with prioritizing some Aya sessions, but with the resources available at my disposal right now I don't think anything will come close to being able to help the way that some serious Ayahuasca sessions could be potentially able to show me what the problem is. I live in Southwest Oklahoma in a small town and we don't have psychiatric services here and I don't really trust the therapists and counselors. The solution in the South seems to be to drink beer watch High School football and Jesus Will save your soul. But unfortunately the Christianity front is just something people hide behind. That's not to say that I'm not down with Jay man and there's esoteric passages in the Bible that are cool. But what a doctor gives you is just a mood stabilizer or an antidepressant made by a company that profits off of keeping people sick, whereas something like ayahuasca is intended secure more of a deep spiritual crisis something that they can't cure with Western medicine. No I might not want to meditate or do deep breathing and the church ceremony might seem silly to me but I do believe in the Brew. I was turned away by one ayahuasca Center because they were asking for documentation that I couldn't provide. I think this is right up my alley as far as being a heavy hallucinogen and I think it's going to be a lot of Shadow work and confronting things I might not want to confront. But the bottom line is that I'm 30 years old and I feel like my life has been stolen from me and all of my best years are behind me and I've lived all of the good experiences I'm ever going to live that will bring me joy and now I'm just sort of waiting to degenerate in my bed. I don't leave my house and I don't really want anything to do with my community. I don't really have anybody to talk to you so I just bottle up everything and then it tends to just spill out on the first person I make contact with. It's starting to become a problem because I'm always so desperate and reaching out all the time for help and I know nobody can help me. Really the only thing I care about in life is maybe going to Burning Man one day. I just sort of rot away on my cell phone and I have a short fuse now and I'm grumpy all the time and I just rant and lash out over everything. I would say I have a pretty severe death anxiety. But I just don't think it's healthy for someone to have no group of peers to socialize with and no emotional support system and nobody to talk to. You can bottle it up all you want but it's going to come out when you don't want it to. Even when I do try to reach out and explain what I'm feeling I don't even really care to hear the response anymore. I mean I'm not a member of society if we were living in times where there were tribes I would be kicked out and eaten by wolves because I don't participate. I would rather be miserable and not have money then work a job at this point in my life. Jack Kerouac drank himself to death when he was around my age even though he lived a beautiful life with a lot of purity and he was a sensitive man. I don't really like drinking so that's not an option. Maybe if I got a large amount of fentanyl I could just snort it and die of a drug overdose in my bed. But I'm not going to be able to find fentanyl so there's that. And you can't even find drugs on the internet anymore because everybody is just a low life dishonest person. A couple years ago in my life I had access to the good medicines the spirit molecules. The only thing that makes me happy in life is amphetamines and uppers. I don't care how dirty meth is I'll do it because it's like a molecule away from Adderall if that's what the option was. These doctors they barely even write you controlled scripts it's like you have to beg them for it. My brain is hot wired my spirit is 99% jet fuel. I used to be on sort of a spiritual journey or an Awakening if you will but I sort of write that all off because they're all just pads that you can follow if you need some guidance in life. I sincerely hope that the Tibetans and the Buddhists are wrong about being reincarnated and into circumstances that were a consequence of your life's causation. That sounds exhausting and more miserable than hell does and the pope recently came out and said that hell isn't even real. I just hope it's quick and then you're back to where you were before you were born. I really just don't care if there's an afterlife if there is my karma will place me into something that I don't even want to think about. I haven't lived a life of servitude. I've lived a life of hedonism. I have a brain that probably has a certain degree of brain damage and I'm only 30 years old and I'm burnt out. The Kentucky ayahuasca people were more concerned about their precious image than actually trying to come to a compromise and work something out. They Market themselves as these badass bank robbers and outlaws but in reality I'm sure they make you sign a disclosure saying that there's no guarantee anything will work. They didn't want to take on my case and that's okay because they're not the only people that know how to make orally activated DMT. I'm reaching out to this church and community because I need to purge some darkness in me. I've never felt before the finality that my life was just over because I'm on a government leash. The only thing that interests me are like psychedelics and stimulants. I'm all right with having to dig myself out of a dark place. Please somebody get back to me with pricing my birthday is coming up in a couple weeks and I need a new hobby and I need something to give me a fresh set of eyes and I don't think that's possible without a serious psychedelic intervention. The ketamine infusion Clinic only doses you at about 60 mg and I'm looking for a mystical experience. I have reverence for these compounds. There's probably a lot of other work I need to do to prepare myself but I mean I don't exercise and I don't really get out of bed that much I just scroll my phone and I'm in a permanently bad mood and I just try to talk with new people. And the thought of having to live another 30 years feeling this empty and hopeless and nihilistic that's scarier than this experience just being over. I mean I would rather be put into medically induced coma didn't have to just keep living in this spiritually deprived state. They even have a self euthanasia machine now but you have to be 50 years old and you have to fill out paperwork proving that you're saying to do that and I feel in my heart that if you check out before the grim reaper tells you it's time that you go to a different dimension and I don't even think there's an afterlife and I'm that superstitious. I mean I sit around with racing thoughts and I try to reframe my life and I tried to explore possible solutions that could improve it and what I come back to time and time again is that there's nothing there's nobody listening and I'm just always freaking out and it's just Burning Bridges and the few people that I have it's going to push them away because I can't stop complaining about how hopeless it is. I mean I can't just watch the same TV shows on repeat for the next 30 fucking years. So somebody could talk to me maybe we can figure out some financial options I mean it just bums me out because it doesn't matter how bad you feel like things are when you have to ask for money to help yourself then it becomes this whole issue and I don't think it's possible to stay like this it's just not a state that you would want to exist in. I get a measly amount of pills from a nurse practitioner that's quitting his job and then I won't have anybody to get pills from and I just pop beans and caffeine pills until there aren't any left and then I lay in bed like a dead person until it's the next doctor's appointment and I get more. Maybe one day I'll do and I begin retreat too. I pretty much feel like talking about once a month do I have the energy to articulate anything it's the only time I feel my head is clear. Then I turn on my notifications off I put my phone down and my wormy brain just creates these scenarios of what I'm being perceived as. When in all honesty nobody's paying any attention to me I've been old news for a long time now. Even if I just come to the ceremony so that I can do some serious tripping and try to descend into aleister Crowley's dark dimension and try to return I think that's better than my current situation and even if I just come back to sitting in my bed for another 5 years until my probation is over at least I tried. I just I don't know what you do when you don't feel like doing anything. Because I just I don't have another 30 years in me. My mom will pass away before then and I'll go homeless and if I was homeless I wouldn't even beg for food I would just wait until I starved on a bench somewhere like Gandhi and died from dehydration and malnutrition. I really am not having fun on this ride anymore and I don't have friends or an emotional support system. I bullshit with people on the internet sometimes that I don't know. But even that doesn't really help because I know how fed up I am with myself I don't like the way my body looks anymore. I mean even if I have to do it all over again and that's the way it works out I'd be more ready for that than to try to salvage this mess. Thank you for listening to my story. I really wish I had some acid or some mushrooms or some ketamine to explore with right now. But I got ripped off by some dishonest person and that happens sometimes. I mean how hard is it to overcharge somebody to put a 10-strip in a birthday card and put it in the mail. If I bought it doses off my friends it would be $5 a hit and these people they charge $150 in their minimum order is 10 and they're they're acid looks like garbage it's not LSD 25 it's not orange sunshine. And I'm not getting a refund. And you couldn't really pay me to work a job right now I just I don't see the point to it it takes me everything I have to make myself presentable to have like a 15 minute conversation with my doctor once a month. I need to purge some sickness. I'd rather sit there and stare demons in the face under the influence of mother Aya then sit here and just think about how much I don't want to do this anymore. Hunter S Thompson at one point decided he didn't want to do it anymore. Jack Kerouac decided he didn't want to do it anymore. I just can't hit it as hard as I used to. And again I'm saying I might not even pray at your ceremony I don't pray or meditate. I won't be like an asshole or disrupt anything but I'm just trying to drink this stuff and the people at Kentucky ayahuasca can't talk to me like a normal human being. And as a person that has a felony on their record for the next 5 years I can't fly out of country most immigration places don't allow people with criminal background checks to come to their country. I had a clean record my entire life until one day I had a psychotic break. But they don't take you to a mental institution to be observed they stick you in a County Jail. Anyways I've been rambling on for too long and I'm going to pop some more beans and talk to you some strangers thank you for listening.
- Jack
